“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”—Chuck Klosterman (via black-wolves)
Where you just felt like the shit was beat out of you?
Without going into too many details, I am having HUGE issues with my assistant manager. Out of nowhere she has become very angry - and it is making for an incredibly tense work situation. The headache I had today… the bad interviews I had today… the drama-rama to an extreme…
It was a bad, bad, bad day.
I was exhausted from my late night workout last night (because it kept me up til 2:30 am!) - the stress at work was just unreal - and I was torn between wanting to sleep for 18 hours, burst into tears, yell at her, fire her, quit myself…
It was just bad. This part of the job I definitely do not like.
I have spoken with other people at work about it; I had a meeting with my (still-ever-so-amazing) boss about it. All signs 100% point to her being in the wrong. She’s only 22. This is her first fulltime job out of college. She just.. doesn’t get that you can’t 100% get your way all the time. Its so frustrating because I am trying to be so understanding - BUT SHE’S NOT TRYING. She’s making this painfully awkward. And she’s being unprofessional at work, as well as extremely disrespectful to me.
Luckily tonight, I had sushi (one! sweet potato! roll!) And Hip Hop.
With my actor-friend who I adore and can’t believe is leaving on Monday!
It was awesome and fun and everything Hip Hop always is. He LOVED the class. It was basically a big dance party and the fact that we were almost in matching workout clothes (not on purpose) was hilarious.
We even took a side trip home to Mt. Washington - to look at the view. He hadn’t seen that view before and it was nice to just take a moment and laugh and be.
Then I broke my New Years Resolution and poured myself a glass of wine. Because - like I said - it was a really fucking terrible day.
Curled up on the couch. Called a mentor/friend/former coworker/work colleague.
Talked it out a little more.
And now I’m about to go to sleep. And pray to freaking God tomorrow is better.
I had a great date a couple weeks ago. So great, in fact, that I may or may not have called my parents to let them know that I quite potentially could have met my future husband (whoa whoa...let's not get ahead of ourselves here...). More than every sign imaginable pointed to mutual enjoyment of company and it was pretty obvious that there would be more dates in the future. Not even 24 hours post date, this is the brief follow-up text conversation to let this guy know when I was available for our next date (because he asked...)*
Em:Hey - I'm available Wednesday or Friday if that works for you
Guy:I really want to but I'm moving forward with someone else. If things don't work or I change my mind, I might contact you. That's the best I can do right now.
Em:I won't hold my breath
Guy:I'm sorry. I think you're awesome but I just want to be honest.
Here are my thoughts on this dialogue..1) The dude was clearly either IN a relationship or at the very least, about to embark on one but wanted to meet a few more ladies JUST to make sure there wasn't something better out there. I'd really hate to be the chick he's "moving forward with". 2) "I might contact you". Oh, really? You might? That's OK, please don't. 3) Yes, you're right Guy - I am awesome...and fun (references furnished upon request) 4) And guys say that we're the ones that are complicated?
Game over or as Kathleen would say " DELETE DELETE DELETE!"
(*I may paraphrase these conversations and/or omit personal information that may embarrass the unknowing party who is being blogged about)
At one point today I thought - I cannot WAIT to get the eff out of here and move to Arizona. OVER it.
And at another point today - I won’t lie. I also thought, MAN. I am going to miss THIS. I really like this, and the people I do this with, and the fact that I am good at THIS. I actually feel like an adult - like I have my shit together. For once.
And it’s… really, really nice.
Today was also an improvement workout wise. Since I’ve had the shin splint issues (even on the elliptical!) I’ve taken it a little easier. Tried to lighten up on the incline, etc. Not AS much resistance as I usually do.
Sunday, I managed 30 minutes of elliptical before I had to quit because of pain. Yesterday, I managed 45 minutes of elliptical before I decided to not push it. Today - I managed 45 minutes on the elliptical then 15 on the stepper.
Tomorrow - will be Hip Hop.
Now the question is - do I attempt spin on Saturday? Or do I give it another week off?
Forgot my blow dryer - went to work with wet hair.
So busy at work.
So not mentally awake.
Incredibly disheartening visit to the hospital to see my Grandma.
Now at the gym, hoping my shins can stay pain free long enough for me to get a workout in.
Remember how scared I was the first time I tried spin?
Remember how far I made myself drive - week after week - to make sure I got into the best spin class ever so I would actually like it and stick with it?
Remember how it became the second best part of my week (next to Hip Hop of course!) and how much I really looked forward to it — how much better I felt after the class?
I was really proud of myself. So proud.
Then? Last Monday I went to another spin class. And during the last ten minutes of class I got this zapping pain in my right shin. It hurt SO SO SO bad I could barely pedal the rest of class on no resistence.
Once I got off the bike, I felt fine. Maybe I just hurt something.
Then Saturday morning. Back at the favorite spin class.
Ten minutes INTO class… there it was. The same zapping pain. So painful. So sudden. Digging deep into my right shin.
The pain would come and go in waves. Sometimes really bad - sometimes I wouldn’t feel anything. I really, really love this spin class so I just tried to push myself when the pain wasn’t there and ease up when it was. I struggled really badly, but I made it til the end of the class. Afterwards, I decided to ask my instructor about it.
She asked if I had any back or hip pains.
Uhhh. Yeah. Like a lot.
She suddenly got very concerned and said she had a lot of bad back problems and had the exact same pain. Also, my right hip (which is the worst part of my daily pain) is the same side of my body as the shin that hurt. She really, really encouraged me to take a few weeks off from spin and be careful at hip hop so I don’t do any further damage. :(
I can’t even express how frustrated I am with this… As if my hip hurting wasn’t bad enough, now this?
Add that with the fact that I’ve been eating SO SO SO terribly lately and well, I feel pretty cruddy today. Sometimes this weightloss & exercise battle is just… really freaking hard. Especially when your body gives up on ya a bit.
Today was so busy I had a headache. I didn’t even remember to eat lunch. So many things to get done - and most of them done, thankfully, except for driving to a coworker’s house to train for my part time job. That had to be rescheduled, because the theater sucked every moment out of my work day.
Then I had spin class with my assistant manager, before we headed to a local restaurant/bar for their $5 Burger night.
Mine was a veggie burger with peanut butter & bacon on it.
Grandma: I was once 185 pounds! My golly I can’t imagine being that fat again. Me: (awkward) Mmmhmm. Grandma: I mean, can you imagine? 185. Me: Yeah that’s crazy. Grandma: I don’t know how I did anything - how I got around that heavy!
One person’s most embarrassing weight is someone else’s goal, or mile-marker.
What I was hoping to do today… Test some things for work (theater) Go to the gym/Go running - FAIL Clean my room - FAIL Visit my Grandma - GUILTY FAIL
What I’ve done instead? Sleep Sleep like, a whole whole lot. Read The Hunger Games Nap Make lunch Test some things for work Made Trader Joe’s Reduced Fat Brownies Read the Hunger Games Eat a brownie. Or two. Nap (Yes. Two naps.) Shower
At least I pulled it together in time to shower?
Now I work online the rest of the evening… ugh.
But this lazy Sunday of nothing was more needed than anything. I have a solid month of busy ahead of me… so I’m going to try and not feel insanely guilty. (Except over the Grandma thing. I still should feel guilty about that.)