Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who asked me if there was someone from my life that I wasn’t currently speaking to now - but that I knew, deep down, I would see or hear from them again.
A simple question — yes.
But a question that has been running through my mind ever since.
Of course, with OMB - I know I will never see or hear from him again. I don’t know why I know or why I feel that way - but I do. He has disappeared into thin air, and there he will stay. Every time I pass someone who remotely resembles him (which, surprisingly - happens a lot) I find myself catching my breath… and breathing a sigh of relief when it isn’t him. It scares me a little bit, just for a minute — the way it scared Miranda in the Sex & the City episode, when she saw her ex (and the girl he had cheated on her with) walking down the street. Miranda then found herself running in the other direction, to avoid any kind of interaction. But that minute of fear I feel when I think I’ve stumbled across OMB at a random place at a random time - quickly passes; I rest easy in the fact that he is gone and will stay gone.
It is probably silly that these thoughts even enter my mind. And maybe it makes me a crazy person - because the time without him in my life is now longer than the (oh so brief) time he was in my life. But he was someone that found a way to get very close to me, very quickly — and the scar he left, is still there. Because of him, I’m at a phase of my life where I have no interest in dating. No interest in getting that close with someone. I still stand by the belief that I won’t date anyone until I’ve taken care of me. Until I’ve gotten MYSELF in order… my weight, my finances, my location. Besides, my heart has hardened a bit and I’m not ready to let it soften quite yet. I’m guarded, for perhaps the first time in my life.
But back to the question I was originally asked…
Where the answer was yes.
Two years since I last saw him — and I still fully believe J and I will cross paths again. I don’t know how or when. I don’t know if the encounter will be brief, or for a full, sit down, heart-to-heart. But the paths will cross, that I know. I can feel it, way down deep. And when it does happen, whether it is tomorrow or in 50 years, I hope I am the person I want to be, a person strong enough to say what needs to be said.
Although he is someone I would never (ever!) want to be with again… He was the first person I ever fell in love with and the first person I was ever deeply betrayed by. That said, there will always be mixed emotions lingering there even though the days of mourning and missing are long, long gone.
Since that discussion with my friend yesterday - the radio has been playing tricks on me. Most of the songs that have played on the radio today has struck some sort of chord with me. It’s like they had a playlist of songs associated with memories with J… both happy and sad. And as each one played on the radio today, I could picture exactly where I was when I heard that song — like a scene from a movie in a way.
Change the station? Sure. I did.
And yet there was more music. More memories.
Then, there - on facebook - a “people you may know” suggestion. A mutual friend, that I no longer consider a friend. And another suggestion - only this one is the girl OMB chose over me.
I decided to shut off the world for a bit - no radio or facebook. Just a little time relaxing after work and the gym tonight, watching Teen Mom with my mom. (Shut up, quit judging, her choice!)
And there was one of the Teen Mom girls, looking at apartments in Scottsdale, Arizona - wanting to move there.
Even though it was Teen Mom, it was a weird way of technology today coming full circle. Reminding me of where I’ve been — and where I need to be going.
So there’s this game some of my friends and I are playing in September.
It’s called the Game on Diet.
A friend of a friend has done it a bunch of times and had really good success with it, so I figured it would be fun to do with friends to kickstart some healthy eating. We all paid $10 to participate and the winners take the cash. SUPER EXCITING AND AWESOME, right?!
Then I read all of the rules. Which are ridiculously never ending and I’m suddenly faced with a 5-day-trip to NYC and a wedding and TWO visits to West Virginia this month and I’m starting to wonder how much my partner is going to hate me come October.
“I’m cute - and God I hate that. Because that’s not cool. I’m like your niece, and nobody wants to date their niece. It’s the chubby cheeks. The whole reason people voted for me on American Idol is because I’m an everyday, normal girl.”—Kelly Clarkson
I’m putting more focus on weight training than I have in awhile. I usually just do an average amount of cardio (40-60 minutes) and then I get lazy and skip the weights. Which isn’t good — because I not only want to build up my strength cardio-wise, I want to work on toning again.
I used to really focus on weight and strength training in college — and I saw a much more significant difference in my clothing sizes. Since that worked then, I am going to try that a little more now.
I think my plans include —
One class a week (Hip Hop is what I’m shooting for, but if I can’t make that I need to try something else — be it another class, or running outside, etc…)
Three weight-training heavy workouts — including 30 minutes of cardio for warmup, then 45-60 minutes of weights.
Then the other day will be simply cardio.
5 days a week.
We’ll see if that helps at all. I’m extremely burnt out after the arm day on Tuesday, the Hip Hop class on Wednesday, and the leg day tonight… so it’s a strep in the right direction, I think.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this exhausted after a workout.
After really focusing on my arms on Tuesday with weights - and then tonight’s Hip Hop class (which was REALLY turned up a notch this week with a couple new routines) - I am ridiculously sore & burnt out. My whole body aches!
I got home at 9, had a really late dinner at 9:45, and have been trying to catch up on some things before bed. But I’m seriously ready to pass out at any minute. Yet my mind is racing tonight.
I realized how therapeutic Hip Hop has become. It may sound silly, but that workout is seriously the best part of my week. I get out all of my energy and emotion and lose myself in the routine. I don’t care how silly I look or focus on how fat I feel - if anything the class helps me embrace my body. I feel stronger there than I do any other time of the week — and in some weird way the class gives me a sense of control over my life. Work may suck, boys may be heartbreaking, I may have too many things going on and too many things to worry about… But at that class I have the control. I have to push myself to keep up with some of the other girls - especially this week - and I feel really proud of myself when the cool down song starts to play. Yet I’m there because I choose to be there… And because I can’t help but smile when the warm up song begins.
I may feel a bit lost at times - caught between the life I’m living now and the life I hope to be living two years from now - but on Wednesday nights at 7, in that little workout room packed with people - I can just be me.
Billy: All I’m saying is that there’s no good way to break up with someone.
Carrie: Well, it’s funny you should mention that Billy, because, actually, there is. You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman, to her face, that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy but, I think that, you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an e-mail, a doorman, or a missing persons report. I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation Because, here’s what; Avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy. And just so you know, Alan -
Carrie: Uh huh. Most women aren’t angry, irrational psychos. We just want an ending to a relationship that… That is thoughtful and decent and honors what we had together. So my point, Billy, is this; There is a good way to break-up with someone, and it doesn’t include a post-it!
I’m just going to take this moment to say that my Google calendar reminded me yesterday that it was OMB’s birthday. Only, I didn’t really even need the reminder to begin with.
And then tonight — was the Post-It episode of Sex & the City. Which just goes to show - once again - that these episodes never get old. And the older I get, the more they resonate.
Me: (eating lunch at my desk like a rockstar)
Boss: (passes by) Look at you and your grapes! And your turkey wrap. You always seem to eat really healthy when you pack. And you gym so much after work! I wish I had your motivation.
Me: (quickly) Oh NO! I only do well during the day. Then I go home and all bets are off.
There are two problems with this. One being - why couldn’t my response gave just been, “Oh I’m trying.” Why do I instantly go into anti-compliment mode? I hate when girls do that and yet I’m a huge offender. (Although I am getting somewhat better…)
And issue #2: My grapes are now gone. And I have 3 hours left at work. Crap.
Tonight, leaving work — traffic was a breeze. I suddenly found myself at the gym at 5:35, much earlier than my usual 5:55 arrival. (It’s crazy how long construction can delay your gym arrival time.)
On a whim, even though I had just taken Hip Hop the night before at my old gym, I grabbed a schedule to see what was on the agenda for the evening. 5:45 - Kickbox Cardio Plus Abs
I didn’t even think twice — just headed over to the room. As much as I wanted to do weights and as much as I wanted to just get on the elliptical and forget the world for a bit… I thought maybe I could get more of a workout tonight if I pushed myself in this class.
I walked into the room — the first class I’ve taken at my new gym, since I converted back in June — and was immediately concerned due to the size of the class. Only about 10 people… which is not a lot when you are used to anywhere from 60-70 crammed into a room for Hip Hop at the old gym. The instructor IMMEDIATELY walked over and introduced herself to me and asked my name. She was really friendly and personable, which was a nice surprise. Then the class got started.
And there were notes. She had notes laid out, on the floor in front of her.
And I knew I was in trouble.
The thing is…I realize everyone has to start somewhere and all routines are new routines at some point or another. But there’s always that instructor who is trying so hard that they make the workout steps overly complicated, which in turn - slows up/confuses the group - and the workout isn’t as effective.
Which is exactly what happened.
Yes, there were parts I was tired. BUT THEY WERE THE PARTS I WAS ABLE TO DO! So much of the hour was spent feeling absolutely ridiculous and all over the place. Too many moves, way too fast, not enough repetition, music isn’t loud enough (I like to drown out my sweat & pain)… I knew I wasn’t able to do my best because of all those damn notes on the floor. And none of the moves went along with the music playing — so it was hard to stay on beat.
Yet I stayed the hour. The full hour. And I was sweaty when I was done - so at least there’s that.
Then I walked towards the door, only to feel a tap on my shoulder.
It was the instructor, calling me by name (she remembered!) and said she saw I was trying really hard and hopes I enjoyed the class enough to come back.
I smiled and said of course. Only time will really tell.
“Turned out he wasn’t in love with me like I thought. What I was trying to say - I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”—The Holiday
It is so hard for me to sum up everything I’ve experienced in the past two weeks.
In a nutshell, the weekend with friends at Hocking Hills was FANTASTIC…at least on Friday night. When we arrived on Friday I felt like a member of the Real World — or if you will, Jersey Shore. Each time a door opened and more people walked into the house, I grew more & more excited. It was SO good to have all of these good friends tucked away in one (huge!) cabin in the woods. They are friends I don’t see nearly enough, since most of them live scattered throughout Ohio. Friends I feel close to and friends I wish I could see on a weekly basis. It was seriously an awesome afternoon and evening… spent around the cabin & the campfire.
Unti I found out that hot tubs and booze don’t mix. Like, at all.
And I ended the night by blacking out & throwing up. Like, lots. In bed.
It’s actually something I’m super embarrassed by and I don’t even really know what else to say about it right now. I felt MISERABLE the next day and continued to throw up. I literally spent the entire day in the bedroom with my friend Tejal, who was just as miserable as I was. (Because, her being my partner in crime and all, of course meant she was right next to me in previously-mentioned-hot-tub.) I missed out on soo many things — ziplining (which I had already pre-paid for), hiking, kite-flying, possible canoeing… The whole day was just wasted, and that makes me really sad to think about. I already had to leave a night early because of the work-trip, and then the little time I did have on Saturday, I wasted by sleeping and feeling miserble.
As a result, I am officially not drinking until my birthday (when I’m living it up in New York, yo!) Not that I drink a lot on a daily basis (at all) — but I need a break. It’s a lot of money and it’s a lot of wasted calories and just not needed right now when there are other things I should be focusing on. (Like trying to get healthy again…) I also need to watch it in New York some too, because there are SO many things I want to do while we’re there and I don’t want ANYTHING like Saturday to happen again.
Then the next day, I flew to Orlando for a week for work. It was my first work trip EVER and it was super exciting because I spent my time at a BEAUTIFUL Waldorf Astoria. It was not only of the top five nicest hotels I’ve ever stayed in, it was the first hotel I have ever stayed in alone. So when I walked in that first afternoon and saw how BEAUTIFUL the bathroom was — I turned around and realized I had no one to tell. It was a weird moment… Where I felt like an actual adult.
But that’s just it - that’s one of the (MANY) things I am dying to blog out my feelings on, and yet I haven’t had time lately. I’m splitting my time it seems between feeling ridiculously THRILLED with my life and choices and the direction I am finally heading… And then feeling ridiculously shitty and miserable and lonely and behind in life.
(That moment in the hotel tho — definitely a “WOAH - ADULT!” moment for sure.)
I learned a lot in the sessions and met a lot of great people. It made me feel proud of my organization, and during the different peer-to-peer sessions, I realized I should be proud of the new job I’ve taken on and the impact I can have on an organization. I really value my boss so far and the weight he is giving to my opinions. He asks me things before he makes final calls and I’ve already seen so much of what I have to say get green lighted. And it’s only been two months!
I really do have a much stronger voice in this organization than I did in my last one, and I need to wake up and be proud of that for a minute. I spend so much of my time secretly hating that I am not doing what I always thought I would do… and feeling ashamed of my job in a way. Embarrassed is such a strong word, but it’s kind of accurate. Now, after attending this conference, I was able to feel a lot better about my work and voice and effort. It may not be where I thought I was headed and it may not be my final destination, but it is a MUCH better place that I have ever been professionally and for that I am thankful. The conference definitely taught me that above all else.
Inbetween conference sessions (some REALLY helpful, some were okay, some not at all…) we had some downtime. I was able to visit Sea World, Disney World, Busch Gardens, the Gulf of Mexico & some friends in Tampa when I wasn’t working. Suffice it to say I was EXHAUSTED by the time my flight landed on Sunday at midnight. All of the experiences were truly fantastic… especially getting to spend time with old friends I haven’t seen in awhile.
The happiest of all the moments I had on the trip was definitely the afternoon I spent on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico. It was my first time in the Gulf and the weather could not have been more beautiful. The skies were clear and the water was insaney calm (who knew?) — and the time spent in the water just talking with my friends made me feel more relaxed than I have felt all summer. It was a few hours where I just let all the worries I have — and believe me, I do worry — roll off my back and be forgotten.
As for those worries, now that I am back to reality, they are all back on my back, no longer rolled off. Ha. I knew it would happen, but it would have been nice if I would have carried that “carefree” mentality back with me to the real world. That… however, should be left for another entry. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Except that I do — and I’ll just begin & end with the fact that I gained 4 pounds while away. Three of those pounds were gone by Thursday, hopefully the last pound will be off shortly. Then it’s back to the grind.
(Did you see that? Did you see how I didn’t post my ACTUAL current weight? Ohhh sneaky-sneaky-sneaky…)
This past week post-Florida has been busy with work and friends and working out and taking my Little to Idlewild Park (a small kids park up in the mountains, about an hour & 20 minutes from where I live.) I finally broke down today and did nothing but sleep in and grocery shop and cook and nap and work online. I didn’t even work out, as I had planned to, because I knew my body needed the sleep more than it needed the exercise.
Tomorrow is Monday though. And tomorrow there will be more work and working out, before another Girls’ Movie Night at our one friend’s house. Hopefully I’ll find more time to blog. I think about things I want to say constantly (especially on the 40-60 minute commute I have every day) and things I want to write out/deal with. But with my busy life, sometimes it’s hard to carve out the time to just write.
Speaking of carving out time. With that said… It’s time to carve out some time to sleep. Goodnight.