…Where you feel like every single significant boy you once dated is haunting you in one way or another?
Between the Facebook message from B asking if that was me he saw at the gym last night (it wasn’t - I had been there way earlier,) J’s favorite band performing on the Today Show this morning (first new album since we first met!) and OMB appearing in my gchat list… Good Lord.
Thankfully Over the Hump Day is also Hip Hop Day! I need the boost it gives me.
Weight gain (sadly yes…)
Fancy Camping Trip (This Friday! 20+ Friends! Holla!)
Orlando for work (First adult work trip EVER!)
First 5K (Even with lack of training and horrible Orlando in July heat… Eeek. So scared. But going to do it.)
Work in general (AWESOME)
But I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to sit down and write out everything I want to… So short entries and photos will have to do for now.
Forgive me as I go read a page or two of my book before I pass out.
(This entry was written on Friday, about Thursday evening. Re-reading it now, I shouldn’t be shocked there was a weight gain this week considering I had a reasonable amount of booze two nights last week. Oh dear.)
So last night I went out with old coworkers and sat on a patio for four hours and ate a salad and shrimp cocktail and tried to be generally healthy – except for the RIDICULOUS amount of booze I accidently consumed.
(2 vodka cranberries, 3 diet coke & rums, 3-ish glasses of red wine - I’m looking at you!)
But it was my first “patio session” this summer and the weather was perfection and we were facing the river and everyone was having a good time and it just sort of happened.
Then that booze and salad and good evening led to me calling and leaving the world’s most perfect voicemail to OMB on my late-David-Cook’s-new-amazing-CD-filled-drive-home. (Which — by the way — David Cook’s new CD is AMAZING.)
I said everything I wanted to say to OMB in that voicemail – so perfectly – in a way I could only really (typically) write it out. Normally my speaking doesn’t match up with my thoughts as well as I’d like – but this time it DID. It was PERFECTION.
And JUST as I was about to end the voicemail… it cut me off. Said the message was too long (ha!) and that I had to re-record. Re-record I did.
Only “OMB: This is What I Think of You & That Shitty Thing You Did” Take Two?
A ridiculous mess I can barely remember and now I’m sort of hating myself for leaving it because it didn’t even come close to relaying any message OTHER than — “That girl is absolutely insane.”
While telling LaLa about this through an e-mail conversation today… she pointed out the fact that certain phone numbers (J’s, OMB’s) should be deleted from my contact list in my phone to prevent this from happening.
Fair enough. But in an e-mail response I wrote back to her, I pointed out - and realized - I truly don’t need it as far as J is concerned.
J doesn’t even need to be deleted because I’ve completely lost all desire to contact him. That’s the one nice thing that has come from any and all things OMB. It made me realize what I wanted/deserved (well…the beginning part of OMB, not what happened after.) And when I look back at it– I realize how messy and gross and sad that whole J situation was at times. And how different we truly were. Seeing the pictures of Brigette’s wedding made me a little sad at first, but only because of my lost-friendship with her, not him. Even looking at the pictures of him — I realized how false pictures can appear.
I don’t hate him. Or miss him. I just feel indifferent… like looking at a picture of a stranger. Which is good– because that is what he is to me. Plus it’s good to know that very soon (this month, actually) he will be even further away from me. (He bought a house with D near Youngstown.) So I feel “safer” in that way, because it’s even less chance of me bumping into him.
More so – I’m at a better place job-wise and feel like I’m actually working towards goals I want (moving back to where I know I belong) and getting more experience/learning new things. I feel like I could honestly bump into him and say, “Here are the changes I’ve made since I last saw you… “ and feel good about them. Job wise, weight-wise, pushing-myself-wise (even with simple things like taking the Hip Hop class and cooking more.) Little things that make me feel like I’ve grown – and things I’ve done by being alone.
I can very happily say I am much happier with the person I am now verses the person I was when I was with him.
The OMB thing….. I can’t remember if I told you, but his sister posted pictures on FB from the Jimmy Buffet concert? And all of OMB’s friends went (ones he had talked about over & over again – so much I felt I knew them.) And he was there with this new girl he’s obviously in a relationship with. (He’s also in her profile picture.) There were pictures of them holding hands and making out and cuddling and her car had “W*****<3s Misty” on it… etc. I wanted to vomit. She’s obviously new and not the ex (who was named R.)
It made me sick at first and I’m still mourning the loss of someone I THOUGHT I knew – and it made me feel shitty and terrible about myself because my judge of character is apparently so far off I have no clue who to trust and who not to.
Plus I mean, she’s not even that pretty – which makes me feel worse. Not that him being with a knockout would make me feel less gross… But I was looking at this girl going, “Really? Why her?” It just didn’t make sense. That’s what the most upsetting – nothing that has happened has made sense and all I want to do is be able to point at something and blame it. That’s my process of dealing with it.
J? “Cheating, alcoholic.” Boom. Done.
Hard – but it made sense. D (at the time) was everything I wasn’t physically and she LOVED to get drunk all the time. It totally, totally made sense. But this girl with OMB… Doesn’t. And that’s what I can’t wrap my head around.
(My mom, dad & I sitting around while I’m working online tonight.)
Mum: Why don’t you pick up a pizza on your way back from your walk? Dad: Ohhhh. I guess I could. Mum: Make sure you get a large one. Dad: Okay. Me: Hey, could you pick up a salad for me while you’re there? Dad: No. Me: ….Why? Dad: Cause. Me: ….I will give you the $$ for it. Dad: No. I ain’t pickin’ up no salad! (Dad walks away.) Mum: If it makes you feel better, he wouldn’t pick up a salad if I wanted one either. Me: But… WHY. That doesn’t even make any sense. Mum: He doesn’t like salad. Me: (!?!?!?!) BUT he wouldn’t even be eating it! Mum: Doesn’t matter. Now stop being picky & just eat some pizza.
Seriously? This right here is why I’m fat. Because this is the lifestyle I was raised with.
For the record - I will NOT be eating pizza tonight.