All these girls that go on and on about how ‘we all deserve better’. How we should wait for a guy who will fight for us, and never give up, because that’s what we “deserve”. How we shouldn’t settle for someone who is going to wind up breaking our hearts… Be realistic, for gods sake. You can’t…
I find myself thinking, “You need time to blog about all of this!” But I just didn’t have the time. Or the energy. So, so, SOOOO much has been happening. I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll start where I left off:
Saturday (May 14th) was… High school bestie — Matt’s — birthday party. And by birthday party I mean, we went to see Cirque du Soleil’s Totem. And it was good. It wasn’t my FAVORITE thing ever, but I mean - I can’t even rollerskate, let alone on a table with another person that is pulling me around by a scarf. So who am I to say it wasn’t an awesome show? Then we went out for a drink or two… and finished off the night Pittsburgh-style. And by “Pittsburgh-style” I mean at Primanti’s. Mmmm. Fries and coleslaw on a corned beef sandwich. Heaven.
Sunday (May 15th) was… The Sugarland concert at First Niagra Pavillion. Sugarland was opened by Matt Nathanson and Little Big Town as well. But I was mainly there for Sugarland. It was my third summer of being in love with them and I was hell bent on going. So I tricked three friends into going with me and we planned this day of awesomeness!
Until it rained. All freaking day and all freaking night. And it was an outdoor venue. Luckily, my love for Sugarland could not be ruined — and rain or no rain — we attended the concert. And got SO RIDICULOUSLY SOAKED I can’t even begin to describe it. But Sugarland was everything I wanted them to be and more. I laughed, I danced, I even cried at one point. (Sometimes, certain songs just take you back to unhappy times, but what can ya do?) Luckily, with the rain, I don’t think anyone noticed my tears.
But we’ll get into that later. That is a whole seperate blog entry.
Monday was also THE DAY I GOT AN IPHONE! Which I wasn’t planning on getting at all… but then I went & soaked my phone to DEATH at the Sugarland concert (see: it rained ALL DAY) and I had to get a new one. And it was either spend $140 on a phone I didn’t even want or like… Or bite the bullet and get the iPhone. Which was especially easy since they allowed me to add it to my next billing cycle, which isn’t due til JULY. And yes - I’ll have that in white, please. Or as the fabulous Verizon employee called it, “The new hotness.”
Plus, I had lots to celebrate and so I ran with it. Let the goodness continue.
Then I met up with LDH and Erica to see Something Borrowed. Which is one of my favorite books ever — and even tho the previews of it looked scary (I totally thought they effed it up!)…. It was FANTASTIC. So, so, so good that I am DYING to see it again. To celebrate after, we headed to The Library for a drink & some all you can eat wings. (This blog will return to ‘I worked out & ate healthy things!” blog soon. Just not right now.) And LaLa joined us. Can I say how much I love girl time?
Tuesday (May 17th) was… A really, really exciting day! A day I felt really proud. (A day I will write more about later.)
But it was also a day… that I felt really, really shitty. The level of stress I had on this day and the rollercoaster of emotions was something I did not enjoy participating it - but that’s life, isn’t it?
It was a day where I had to admit things to myself that were scary - and talk about things that were hard. For as good as I felt at one point on this day, I felt the absolutely opposite by the end. For as open of a person as I am, sometimes - opening up about specific things - can just break me down all over again.
Wednesday (May 18th) was… Packing. Packing. Packing. My dad’s (belated) birthday dinner. A funeral viewing for my elementry school music teacher, who I adored. But who was also a really good friend & coworker of my mother. And then a little time at LDH’s parents’ house.
Celebrating the parts of Tuesday that were meant to be celebrated. And being reminded of how awesome my friends are — and how encouragement CAN be everything.
Thursday (May 19th) was… Packing. Packing. PACKING!!! Cleaning up a ridiculous storm. Packing. Packing. PACKING!
And somewhere in there - a quick sushi lunch with LDH & her mom.
But then it was back to packing and cleaning.
Friday (May 20th) was… Working all freaking day. Both jobs. Nonstop. Exhaustion. And annoyance. Times 1000.
Saturday (May 21st) was… The best day EVER. I started my day by sleeping in a little than planned. I found myself laying in bed, chatting on the phone with LDH as she brushed her teeth - when I heard a knock on the door. Figuring it was LaLa wondering if I was still going to the grocery store, I just said, “Come in.”
Only it wasn’t LaLa that opened the door.
IT WAS THE CHICAGO BESTIE!!!!!!
SHE HAD TOTALLY SURPRISED ME AND BOUGHT A (ridiculously expensive) PLANE TICKET THE NIGHT BEFORE AND GOT LALA TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT!
Oh my god. I haven’t seen her since April of last year, which I think is TECHNICALLY the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other since we met in college? So it was SO SO SO SO awesome and nice that she surprised me. I started FREAKING out and couldn’t get over it! This really was going to be the best day ever!
She spent the afternoon with me - shopping and getting sushi and buying things to make for the “Divorce Party.” The Divorce Party was basically the “End of Kari & LaLa’s Domestic Partnership” before we moved out on Memorial Day Weekend. We had been planning it for months, which is why Chicago bestie decided to come in last minute. She knew I needed the emotional support. ;)
The party went off fantastically well too! There was lots of food and wine and so many, many friends. People I see all the time - people I don’t see nearly enough. There were board games and pictures and I got to wear a new dress. My mom and sister came, LaLa’s parents came and LDH’s parents came. Two babies were there. It was family-friendly and then later, a little more fun.
There is so much I could write about — so many memories or funny moments. Seeing so many of our friends together and how much fun we were all having… knowing my Chicago bestie made the effort to come in for the party (as well as LDH from Findlay!!) meant the world to me.
So I stopped and looked around for a moment at the party.
And I realized how insanely lucky I am to have this life I have been given, these people to love and this rollercoaster to ride. I definitely am not where I expected to be, but I love and embrace this life all the same.
Things may be changing… but some things will always stay the same.
And I hope I am lucky enough to always feel this very loved.
Happy hour with LaLa and our good friend, before he moved to NYC. I laughed. A lot…and it was nice to sit there with friends and talk about everything we’ve experienced work-wise in recent years. It was nice to talk about a possible Me-NYC Birthday Trip in September and all the trouble we could get into then. And it was nice to see a friend stand up & take a chance & live his dream. And say goodbye, even if it wasn’t easy.
It was also a few glasses of wine and a lot of conversation with OMB. The kind of night where other people don’t exsist and all of a sudden, employees are cleaning up around you, trying to remind you the night is over, the place is closed. And yet, the night wasn’t over.
Scary. And exciting. And new. And challenging. More on that later. (Maybe/Hopefully!)
It was also back to the gym for a tough weight-training workout with my workout buddy, who has been MIA for the past two months due to working 3 jobs, one of them being fulltime. It made me sad to realize there are only so many workouts left before my routine has to change. I like routine. But I thrive on change. So hopefully…
The Pirates/Dodgers game with OMB, LaLa and our friend Stan. The Pirates lost, but I sure won. Having the boy I like, my best friend and one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met all in one place, on such a beautiful Pittsburgh night… was perfection. I laughed and relaxed and soaked in every second. And just like that, it was over.
Cousin bonding time. Amy came to Pittsburgh and we enjoyed Girls Night ($5 Martinis!) at Bar Louie, the Jen Lancaster Book Signing (more on that later!), delicious soup at Bravo and a late showing of Water for Elephants (such a beautiful movie!) Everyone should get to have a night like this, because it was definitely awesome.
Brunch with Amy & a little shopping. I bought something that looks like this (okay, so I bought EXACTLY that) and was super thrilled with how it looked. However, my desperate need for new capris and new shorts for the summer was not resolved. I am inbetween sizes it seems and it’s quite frustrating. That & my bottom half isn’t proportioned appropriately.
Then I saw THOR with OMB. Once again proving - I will sit thru anything just to spend time with him. Although, the movie wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be. And him leaning over to whisper “Isn’t this AWESOME?!” was ALMOST as endearing as Gage whispering to me (mid-Yogi-Bear-in-3D), “Cousin K, isn’t this SUCH a good movie?!” Almost as endearing.
Sure, there was a whole lot of work sprinkled in there. And a whole lot of not-packing. And a whole lot of digging a hole in the sand and shoving my head in it to avoid the reality that two weeks from now I will be FREAKING OUT over the fact that I am moving out the next day.
But for now, I’m going to enjoy this funtastically fun week (that is not over! Oh no. Not even close!) And let time slip by. I’ll deal with reality later.
Because for right now - right this minute - I’m happy.
Mess up my bed with me, Kick off the covers — I’m waiting. Every word you say, I think, "I should write down; I don’t want to forget… Come daylight.” Happy to lay here — Just happy to be here. I’m happy to know you…
I know I’m not supposed to be weighing myself (I hate when I get all kinds of obsessive like this) but I can’t help it. And I promise I’ll stop - I won’t do it again until the 15th.* PROMISE.
But I’m inching closer & closer to the 180s, which is reason enough to not mind the stress I am under right now. So there’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for. And I need that silver lining, because I haven’t felt this physically stressed in SO SO LONG.
*Which will be a GLORIOUS day, because it is the Sugarland concert! FINALLY! After loving them for three years and missing them in concert the past two summers, I will finally get to see them in all their live glory. CANNOT WAIT!
So this morning I had this overly-obsessive feeling.
That the 193 was a fluke.
I don’t know why. But I just did. I felt it shouldn’t have stayed the same, it should have gone up. I thought about it all day yesterday, and it was one of the last thoughts I had before I fell asleep. Yesterday was also a pretty crummy day and I guess I was just trying to drag that crummy feeling over to today.
195. Thats what the scale was going to show.
So I dragged my tired ass into the bathroom & got on the scale.
HOW does that happen? How do I slack off majorly on working out and eat out a ridiculous amount and eat Easter chocolate and basically go against everything else I’ve learned and read and understood to be true — and lose weight?
I am now OFFICIALLY a half pound lighter than I was when I left Arizona four years ago. Which was my lowest adult weight to date. Since I originally started losing weight (my highest weight) I have gone down 52.5 pounds - so it feels good to be here again.
But I still feel guilty. I don’t feel I did it the right way… or that it makes sense. Should I just keep not-working out? No. That doesn’t make sense. Should I eat more chocolate? I wish. Should I keep eating out every single meal? Gross. My body is SO tired of eating out right now. It just goes to show me that I don’t understand everything that is going on with my body & probably never will.
However, the fight is still worth fighting - and hopefully lower & lower I will go.
You know, I had an outfit in mind this morning when I got up. I was going to wear my new cardigan with a tank top belted underneath it and some light grey dress pants I haven’t worn in awhile. Now, the way I get ready in the morning is to shower, makeup, breakfast, hair, get dressed. Getting dressed is the ABSOLUTE LAST thing I do before I run out the door. So it’s usually down to the wire.
The pants sagged so much I couldn’t wear them. They looked AWFUL and made me look much larger than I am. Off they came, another pair of pants went on and out the door I went.
And yet I didn’t feel proud. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. My mood just wouldn’t allow it. Maybe it’s the rain?
Even after the ridiculous amount of eating out and lack of working out.
I still managed to stay the same. Which is FANTASTIC. To be at such a low (for me) weight and stick there is really nice. But Easter is over and Kyra is gone so it’s back to a regularly scheduled diet and workout routine, which I desperately need. Because who are we kidding — 193 isn’t LOW. And the number needs to keep dropping.
But still, I did a little dancing jig this morning in the bathroom when I realized I hadn’t blown it completely. Granted, I still blew it - because I GREATLY overslept my alarm this morning. And by overslept, I mean - I never heard it. I slept until 10:15ish and had to hussle to get ready for work in time… which means I not only missed my run but I never responded to my running buddy’s texts. Double fail.
The extra sleep was obviously needed. I’m fighting off some kind of cold, allergy, sinus — something. So I feel more tired than normal.
Anyway, we had a surprise birthday dinner for a friend last night at Hofbrauhaus which went REALLY well. As much as I desperately wanted everything else on the menu, I went with a cup of chili and a salad. And I left dinner feeling satisfied and happy with my choice (especially since LaLa was kind enough to give me a bite or two of her food! Craving satisfied.) Maybe that was karma’s way of saying, “Good choice” when I hopped on the scale this morning.
Or maybe just losing weight sucks because you can’t figure out what your body wants or needs or why it does what it does half the time. But I’ll gladly take this week. And work harder for the next weigh in.
I knew it had been at least a few days, but not a week. Time is flying by so quickly… It’s the last day of April. Which means tomorrow starts the month of May. Which means, the last month of living in my apartment.
Time to start packing up — or at least hunting down some boxes — I guess.
Some life updates are in order:
1) Easter in West Virginia. As wonderful as ever. There is nothing I love more than getting in the car & knowing I am heading in the direction of my boys. Also, one of my greatest highs in life is getting to my cousins’ house and opening the door and seeing Gage’s reation when I walk in. I seriously couldn’t stop hugging him once I got there. I miss him and the other boys so much sometimes!
2) My 9 year old cousin Kyra from Cleveland came to visit this week. I took a half day off on Tuesday and didn’t work again until today. It was nice to have the break from work & just run around Pittsburgh with her. I had a few nice/much needed talks with her as well… One about me wanting to move to Arizona and how that wouldn’t kill our relationship. I promised her I would do everything I could to make sure she and I stayed close; I also promised she would be old enough by that point to come visit me too. She seemed thrilled about that.
We also talked about her first visit to see me a year & a half ago. I asked her if she realized I was upset/breaking up with J at the time and she said she thought something was wrong but didn’t really understand til her mom told her later. I told her that even tho she didn’t realize it — her being around that week was SO important for me, because it made me so happy and kept me so distracted. She seemed genuinely proud of herself too, when I told her that… So I know that made her feel good. Which it should. She was definitely an unexpected blessing that week.
We also watched the Royal Wedding together (we were up at 3:45 a.m.!) and did a bunch of fun things… like afternoon tea, a Pirates game, fun restaurants, etc. It was SO SO SO nice to have her here. I couldn’t believe how quickly time passed!
3) Previously mentioned boy is still around. For future reference, we’ll call him OMB. I enjoy OMB WAAAY more than I even thought possible, so I’m hoping he sticks around for awhile. It’s kind of scary in a way, because I haven’t felt this instantly connected to someone since J. Yet it feel so different already because all of the warning signs that came with J aren’t there. I feel good and safe and comforted by him being around… and it’s nice. It’s really, really nice. He went to the Pirates game with Kyra, my Little Sister and I on Wednesday too and was SO good with the girls.
Then he took Kyra & I to dinner on Thursday and brought her a book from his trip to England (since she was all into the Royal Wedding stuff, he figured she’d like it) and some currency from his recent trip to South Africa. She LOVED it (and him) so I was happy to see that. Sometimes kids have a good sense of people… and at the very least it was nice to see him be so kind to someone so important to me.
4) Working out was put on hold this week…and okay last weekend. With Easter & going out of town & then Kyra coming, I’ve really struggled with the eating/working out. Weigh-in Day is also tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it AT ALL but I have to accept it and move on from there. So we’ll see. I tried to make choices that we’re TERRIBLE, but I definitely didn’t get as many fruits and veggies in as my body is used to and I can feel the difference. It felt SO good to go to the grocery store yesterday & stock up on some fresh produce.
But I’m back to running tomorrow. Ready or not, the 5K is coming so I have to keep working towards that goal - no matter what state, cousin, boy or busy times I’m preoccupied with at the moment. I need to make time to run.
“I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked “good.” Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair’s right for the first time in your life? I don’t think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it’s nice. It really is.” —The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
There’s something to be said for making yourself feel this way. For all the hard work and time and effort and pressure you put on yourself — and to see that process work and to start to feel better about yourself, and the choices you are making… even if you don’t make them perfectly all the time - to see those choices benefit you. Mentally, physically, emotionally. To see yourself grow stronger in all of these areas.
There’s a LOT to be said for that. For all of that.
But there is also something to be said, for someone making you feel that way. For someone truly making you feel beautiful for the first time in your life. Words that I, deep down, would still never use to describe myself - to hear someone else say them…
Beautiful. Feminine. Sensual. Gentle.
Words that I feel embarrassed to even write on this blog. Because - I don’t feel that way. Or at least I didn’t. I can’t even consider myself a woman half the time; I still feel like a girl. I’ve always felt like just this girl - this chubby girl. Who wants to be something more but doesn’t know how to be.
Regardless of how this turns out, this new person who has entered my life is teaching me a lot about myself - and how to appreciate the person I have become. And the person I am working on every day.
This person is teaching me to accept my own beauty, even if I don’t always see it staring back in front of me. This person is making me see myself the way I should always see myself. The way many boys I’ve dated in the past have failed to make me see…. or maybe, truthfully, have just plain failed to see me.
I don’t think I’ve ever been called beautiful before. And in such a genuine way.
And I don’t even think he realizes what a huge breakthrough that is for me.
“When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.”—(a quote from an email my good friend sent me when he was super-Ambien-ed up)
Oh sure, I’d give it a good try. But I’d max out after two years of ANYTHING.
First there was baseball. No, I don’t mean softball. I mean - BASEBALL. With boys. An all boy team. And then there was me, the only girl who wanted to play, so they let me. I believe I was 6 and 7 when I played. Two summers in a row. Boys spit a lot, fyi. I thought it was gross then and I still find it gross now.
The summers were long and hot, the uniforms ridiculously itchy. Many, many hours that first summer were spent way out in the outfield. It was safest for me there, because rarely did the ball make it that far and if it did - they probably deserved to round at least two bases anyway.
The second summer, I somehow ended up as the catcher. I liked that better. Less moving around. Pretty much just stayed in one place. I could stand, I could squat. It wasn’t as boring. Plus there wasn’t that pressure to go chasing after some ball out in the outfield and there wasn’t a scramble to get said-ball back to someone before the other team crossed a baseline and you lost a game and blah blah blah.
But two summers, that was it. I quit as soon as coaches stopped throwing nice, underhand balls when you would go up to bat. I didn’t want to risk going up against someone who actually WANTED me to miss that ball when it was their turn to pitch it to me.
Next came soccer. I don’t know really why or how I got involved with soccer. Baseball had interested me because my neighbor at the time, Billy, played. But somehow I ended up playing soccer. I was 9, maybe 10. All girls team.
Girls can be fierce, even at 9.
I was defense — often playing right or left wing. I also liked that because it involved way less movement than some of the other positions, and it didn’t come with the pressure that being the goalie involved. I could help keep the ball from going near the goal, but at the end of the game — it’s really up to the goalie, isn’t it, to keep the ball out of the net?
Still, it was soccer. And practices involved a lot of running. I hated running. So that too came and went, just as baseball had.
Then came middle school, where I was tricked into joining Track & Field. I say tricked, because I remember sitting in gym class, listening to Mrs. L tell us that Rachel didn’t think she would be a good person to participate in Track & Field, because she was a bad runner — and she ended up placing for shot put at a lot of the meets.
So I signed up. I wanted to feel a part of something.
I ended up kicking ass at shot put!
I was really, really good. And I wouldn’t say that if it weren’t extremely true because I was never one to be overly proud of my athletic achievements (not that there were any before this.) I did pretty decent with discus too, but with shot put… I placed at several meets, including the state-wide-private-school-something-or-other-final-competition our school attended each spring. My first year throwing shot put, I ended up with third place overall. My second year I took first.
And both times? I did way better than Noelle, the overly athletic and beautiful ”It Girl” of our 8th Grade class. Way. Way. Better. I hope she remembers, because I sure as hell do.
The only thing was, I hated the warmup laps. I really only think we had to do 3 or 4 of them — but I loathed them. I can’t imagine what it would have felt like if I had actually participated in track. I hated them so much, it got to a point where I’d do one and refuse to do the rest. I’d head out the shot put practice area and get some extra throws in. I’m sure it frustrated Mrs. L, but I think deep down she either knew what it was like to be a chubby kid, just trying to fit in — or she didn’t want me to quit, because she knew I could place and we needed the points for the meets. Either way, I avoided the running at all costs.
But then, middle school ended and I was too scared to even think about competing at the high school level, even tho Mrs. L pretty much begged me to keep going. I let the fear take over, I let my track & field career retire right along side my baseball and soccer years.
Once I hit high school, I found myself sitting in Biology one day - where everyone was talking about the swim season starting up and what a great form of exercise it would be. With 2 and a half hours of swimming every day after school, think of what great shape we’d be in! For some reason, I thought this would be an excellent idea - so I joined.
I was ready! I was going to swim! Lap after lap — and lose the weight I so desperately wanted to lose to I could fit into this new school, these high school years.
In case you aren’t aware — swimming is hard. Like, really fucking hard.
I didn’t even make it thru the two week conditioning period. Girls were dumping this whole “swim team” idea left and right. It was brutal, it was embarrassing and it was something I totally regretted even thinking I could handle.
My mother, however, had other plans.
She refused to let me quit, and somehow an agreement was made that I would be a “swim team manager” and help track the times for the swimmers, occasionally getting into the pool to swim laps with them and (maybe eventually) getting my endurance up to the point I could actually join the team for realz.
As days and weeks and practices passed, I got into the pool less and less. It was fun to hang out with the team, but I never felt a part of the team. Because I wasn’t. They were the athletes and I was the wannabe.
I was a swim team manager for two years. And then, I quit that too.
Sure, I found myself in other areas. I gave my all to choir and musical rehearsals and the online student paper. That was who I was — that was my life. I had a ton of interests and friends and activities to keep me busy. Just because I wasn’t involved in a particular sport for a long period of time didn’t mean I missed out on something — or that my life was lacking.
But if I said, I didn’t feel bad about all those “two-year” attempts at different sports, all those failed experiences, I’d be lying. Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I had kept up with shot put in high school. Would that, perhaps, have lead me towards real running at an earlier age? (Not the lap-around-the-playground that I got away with in middle school.)
Would I have grown up less fat, more confident in my abilities and shape physically? Would I have developed a thicker skin, a more-determined personality? Would I have hidden behind humor less, and embraced all of me?
I guess that is the point I’m at with running now. When I love it - I really, really love it. But when it’s hard, it’s really, really fucking hard. And I sometimes wonder… how long will this last? It’s been over a decade since I’ve attempted any type of specific sport, and this time around there is no team counting on me, no parent pushing me, no finances involved. I don’t have a season to outlast, a summer I’m wanting to end.
It’s just me and this crazy idea that I — the same person who quit four sports growing up — could possibly teach myself to run. And run far. And run fast. And finish a 5K without stopping.
And the craziest part of that idea? That after the 5K… I won’t pat myself on the back and then instantly quit. Instead — there will be the struggle to keep going, to prove myself wrong.
I can see all those versions of myself lined up. I see the little baseball me, in her red & white uniform, sitting in the hot dugout wising for a hotdog and for the game to end. I see the soccer me — wearing blue & white — and staring at the sky, praying it would thunderstorm so the game could be called. I see the taller version a couple years later… wearing red & white again, but carrying the heavy shotput with her, as everyone else finishes the laps she never even started. And I see that girl at the edge of the pool, wishing she could swim as fast as her peers in the pool, but not wanting to put in the hard work to get there because she was too scared.
Then I see me, the adult. 26 years old.
And I see the reservoir. And I see her lapping it, running around and around.
“People can’t understand why a man runs. They don’t see any sport in it. Argue it lacks the sight and thrill of body contact. Yet, the conflict is there, more raw and challenging than any man versus man competition. For in running, it is man against himself, the cruelest of opponents. The other runners are not the real enemies. His adversary lies within him, in his ability, with brain and heart to master himself and his emotions.”—Glenn Cunningham (U.S. Olympian and mile record holder in the 1930’s)
I have a glass in front of me right now… And I’m choosing to see it as just a glass with water in it.
Weigh-in Day. Big day.
And the weight? BAM!
The exact same weight I was on March 15th. Exactly. Not a half pound up or down or inside out. The exact. Same. Weight.
Did I deserve to lose? Heck no. Did I deserve to gain? Heck yeah. But thankfully - I was saved. And my hard work this past week paid off, even if it doesn’t look like it, because of the ridiculous amount of eating and drinking I did last weekend.
The food in Washington, DC and Baltimore was DELICIOUS. Incredibly so. The drunken noodles from J’s favorite Thai place, the sangria from Nando’s Peri-Peri, the CARB OVERLOAD — endless bread baskets and four different pasta dishes to choose from — at Carmine’s, the best brunch I’ve ever had at my LIFE at Miss Shirley’s and the ridiculous amount of booze & sushi at Ra. It was just bad.
”It’s science. It’s math. There is no cheating in this game we play. I’m either doing it, or I’m not. I can’t ½ ass it. Ever. I’ve been 1/2 assing it. My body, your body, can’t defy the laws of nature. “Muscle weight,” “water weight,” “measurements vs. weight” can only be excuses for so long… not 44 days long….but what I realized in the month of March is everyday comes down to a measly 300 to 400 calories. Those 300 to 400 calories will make or break you. And my, oh my, how easy it is to gobble down a quick treat (or two!) after a perfect day, and the boom! You’re maintaining or gaining.”
So am I thankful I didn’t do any damage? I didn’t take a step back, true. And for that — I’m so grateful. But the fact that… days and weeks are passing and I’m not seeing the progress I need to see/want to see is frustrating.
Sadly, it’s all on me. And I have no one to blame but myself. So onward we go.
Glass half empty, glass half full — regardless. There’s still water in the glass.
Glad I took today off too in order to recoop from my trip & get my ducks all in a row. Yesterday went MUCH better eating & exercise-wise, as we made our way back from our lovely weekend. (And by that I mean - I ate a LOT less and worked out at the Y with LDH when we got back.)
But today I need to really get back in the swing of things.
Started off my day by sleeping in (so needed) and a breakfast that included two egg whites with a little goat cheese, half a banana and half a whole wheat english muffin with a tablespoon of apple butter.
Now? I’m off for a run at Highland Park with my running buddy.
I’m sure I’m going to pay for this weekend’s choices, but here I go!
did you take that picture at the elton john concert? You had great seats!
Why, yes! I did! However — I didn’t REALLY have close seats, I just had a decent zoom & a really good angle. The seats were really high up but we were so close to the end of the arena where the stage was & his piano was faced towards us for the whole show. :)
“I love reconvening and reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in ages, as well as meeting new ones. It’s a great feeling. No matter how geographically dispersed we all become, the moments and places we can all come together — the places so far from our origins — are legendary.”—J.N. (a friend’s facebook status after seeing him today)
So as I am getting all my finances in order for my trip to Baltimore & Washington, DC this weekend - I thought, “God, I wish I had a credit card I could use on this trip…" I hate all of the clothes I currently own and I hate feeling limited on the income I currently have. I want to buy fun things and drink myself silly — not worried about the bar tab at the end of the night. I want all of the decisions I make this weekend to have no consequences once I return on Monday night. And then it hit me.
THIS IS WHY I AM IN DEBT.*
I don’t need a credit card this weekend. I just want one. I want to buy a bunch of stuff and have a fantastic time and not think about the consequences. It’s not free money; something that won’t come back to bite me in the ass later.
When I look at the amount I owe, I sometimes wonder where it all went. I know some of it was from college when I needed groceries or medicine or other legit reasons (….or the bar). I worked 25-30 hours a week on campus while going to school fulltime, but the money just wasn’t enough sometimes so I supplemented the income with my friend VISA.
A lot of it also went towards my relationship with J… buying him things, us things… trips we’d take together. Activities we’d do. I wanted to take care of him, in a way I want to take care of most people in my life — but this was to an extreme. I even bought him $200 worth of groceries one time… just because I knew he was short on money and I thought it would help make him feel… safe? I realize how stupid that is now. But back then I was just a girl trying to make the boy she loved feel loved. I was trying to stabalize someone who just wasn’t ready for that.
And then the rest of the debt… the rest of it was just… me. Not living within my means. Robbing-Peter-to-Pay-Paul, only it was myself I was basically screwing in the end. I still spend money on dumb things at times - its the little day-to-day things that get me now. And my never-ending-desire-to-travel, even if it’s just a road trip (Hello, Baltimore/DC! See? Point proven.)
It’s hard to find a balance between fixing your past mistakes and living your life to the fullest. I don’t want to be miserable, but I don’t want to be frivolous.
So this weekend, I won’t have VISA with me, just as I haven’t had any credit cards since I entered a Debt Management Program with ACCC in October (smartest decision I’ve ever made, btw!) And I will limit what I spend… because I only have so much cash.
And hopefully, thru experiences like this - I will realize what is worth it and what isn’t… just as I have been. And someday (roughly October 2012) I will be able to call myself debt free.
Besides - everything I need to have a good time this weekend, will come in the form of some of my favorite friends. And maybe some cherry blossoms.
*This and various other bad decisions and reasons.
It is officially 3 months from my first (Do Life!) 5K in Washington, DC and I am SO excited about all the progress that will be made between now and then! The weather is warming up too and I’m just… so happy about that I can’t even tell you!* Plus after my first run with Anastasia on Saturday, I really felt inspired to keep running with her because it went SO much better than I even expected. Apparently I’m more capable than I thought. (Even tho ‘my capable’ is probably pathetic to some people - but it’s great for me!)
I’m also going to Washington, DC and Baltimore this weekend with LDH & JH… and really excited about it. We’re staying with LDH’s brother - J - in Baltimore and I’m enjoying the idea of going away for a mini road trip. I love road trips — love, love, love them. Especially to places I haven’t spent a TON of time in… and places filled with so much history. I have never been to Baltimore (that I can recall?) and I haven’t been to DC since I was in 8th grade. And that was only for a day. The time before that I think I was in…4th or 5th grade? And we did all the monuments and stuff, but that was so long ago it’s hard to remember. Plus I feel I will appreciate it so much more now…
But I will ONLY appreciate it FULLY if I get there and get to see the Cherry Blossoms! We planned this weekend so we could be there around Cherry Blossom Festival time and right now the weather is not looking good for Saturday. I have an item to check off my Bucket List (which I really want to get around to writing someday) and I will be extremely disappointed if I don’t get to knock this item off my list this weekend. So wish me luck.
I wonder where the 5K route will be in June… I’m kindasortahoping it will be somewhere along the water/monuments but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. How amazing and breathtaking would that be?
*Don’t even get me started on the fact that I’ll be in Washington, DC and Baltimore this weekend and it’s expected to be in the 30s and SNOWING. Bite me, reality. Bite me.