Glad I took today off too in order to recoop from my trip & get my ducks all in a row. Yesterday went MUCH better eating & exercise-wise, as we made our way back from our lovely weekend. (And by that I mean - I ate a LOT less and worked out at the Y with LDH when we got back.)
But today I need to really get back in the swing of things.
Started off my day by sleeping in (so needed) and a breakfast that included two egg whites with a little goat cheese, half a banana and half a whole wheat english muffin with a tablespoon of apple butter.
Now? I’m off for a run at Highland Park with my running buddy.
I’m sure I’m going to pay for this weekend’s choices, but here I go!
did you take that picture at the elton john concert? You had great seats!
Why, yes! I did! However — I didn’t REALLY have close seats, I just had a decent zoom & a really good angle. The seats were really high up but we were so close to the end of the arena where the stage was & his piano was faced towards us for the whole show. :)
“I love reconvening and reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in ages, as well as meeting new ones. It’s a great feeling. No matter how geographically dispersed we all become, the moments and places we can all come together — the places so far from our origins — are legendary.”—J.N. (a friend’s facebook status after seeing him today)
So as I am getting all my finances in order for my trip to Baltimore & Washington, DC this weekend - I thought, “God, I wish I had a credit card I could use on this trip…" I hate all of the clothes I currently own and I hate feeling limited on the income I currently have. I want to buy fun things and drink myself silly — not worried about the bar tab at the end of the night. I want all of the decisions I make this weekend to have no consequences once I return on Monday night. And then it hit me.
THIS IS WHY I AM IN DEBT.*
I don’t need a credit card this weekend. I just want one. I want to buy a bunch of stuff and have a fantastic time and not think about the consequences. It’s not free money; something that won’t come back to bite me in the ass later.
When I look at the amount I owe, I sometimes wonder where it all went. I know some of it was from college when I needed groceries or medicine or other legit reasons (….or the bar). I worked 25-30 hours a week on campus while going to school fulltime, but the money just wasn’t enough sometimes so I supplemented the income with my friend VISA.
A lot of it also went towards my relationship with J… buying him things, us things… trips we’d take together. Activities we’d do. I wanted to take care of him, in a way I want to take care of most people in my life — but this was to an extreme. I even bought him $200 worth of groceries one time… just because I knew he was short on money and I thought it would help make him feel… safe? I realize how stupid that is now. But back then I was just a girl trying to make the boy she loved feel loved. I was trying to stabalize someone who just wasn’t ready for that.
And then the rest of the debt… the rest of it was just… me. Not living within my means. Robbing-Peter-to-Pay-Paul, only it was myself I was basically screwing in the end. I still spend money on dumb things at times - its the little day-to-day things that get me now. And my never-ending-desire-to-travel, even if it’s just a road trip (Hello, Baltimore/DC! See? Point proven.)
It’s hard to find a balance between fixing your past mistakes and living your life to the fullest. I don’t want to be miserable, but I don’t want to be frivolous.
So this weekend, I won’t have VISA with me, just as I haven’t had any credit cards since I entered a Debt Management Program with ACCC in October (smartest decision I’ve ever made, btw!) And I will limit what I spend… because I only have so much cash.
And hopefully, thru experiences like this - I will realize what is worth it and what isn’t… just as I have been. And someday (roughly October 2012) I will be able to call myself debt free.
Besides - everything I need to have a good time this weekend, will come in the form of some of my favorite friends. And maybe some cherry blossoms.
*This and various other bad decisions and reasons.
It is officially 3 months from my first (Do Life!) 5K in Washington, DC and I am SO excited about all the progress that will be made between now and then! The weather is warming up too and I’m just… so happy about that I can’t even tell you!* Plus after my first run with Anastasia on Saturday, I really felt inspired to keep running with her because it went SO much better than I even expected. Apparently I’m more capable than I thought. (Even tho ‘my capable’ is probably pathetic to some people - but it’s great for me!)
I’m also going to Washington, DC and Baltimore this weekend with LDH & JH… and really excited about it. We’re staying with LDH’s brother - J - in Baltimore and I’m enjoying the idea of going away for a mini road trip. I love road trips — love, love, love them. Especially to places I haven’t spent a TON of time in… and places filled with so much history. I have never been to Baltimore (that I can recall?) and I haven’t been to DC since I was in 8th grade. And that was only for a day. The time before that I think I was in…4th or 5th grade? And we did all the monuments and stuff, but that was so long ago it’s hard to remember. Plus I feel I will appreciate it so much more now…
But I will ONLY appreciate it FULLY if I get there and get to see the Cherry Blossoms! We planned this weekend so we could be there around Cherry Blossom Festival time and right now the weather is not looking good for Saturday. I have an item to check off my Bucket List (which I really want to get around to writing someday) and I will be extremely disappointed if I don’t get to knock this item off my list this weekend. So wish me luck.
I wonder where the 5K route will be in June… I’m kindasortahoping it will be somewhere along the water/monuments but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. How amazing and breathtaking would that be?
*Don’t even get me started on the fact that I’ll be in Washington, DC and Baltimore this weekend and it’s expected to be in the 30s and SNOWING. Bite me, reality. Bite me.
After my time in West Virginia had come to a close, I headed on back to PA to meet for my (free) personal training consult.
Our gym has always offered them, but I never took advantage until Jenn and I were chatting with one of the trainers last week and he convinced us to sign up.
So sign-up I did. As did Jenn, but she was too busy being hungover on Saturday to make her appointment… unlike me. The good girl. Who showed up not even on time, but early on Monday!
Although I didn’t get paired up with the trainer I thought was going to assess me… (I didn’t even get to ask him what he thought of my name-picks for our future children!), I loved the guy I was paired up with. We talked about my weightloss history and workouts and goals and everything else you’d expect us to talk about.
Then came the workout, where we focused on Legs/Abs.
Oh. My. God. My legs and abs are KILLING me today.
The workout was tough to say the least. I started off really, really strong… and he even commented on how good my form was and how even tho he could tell I was struggling, I never let up on my technique, I just slowed up a bit. He had me do things I’ve done before (squats, lunges) and things I hadn’t done before (like stepping up and down off a bench - which was fun with my lack-of-balance.) We did ab exercises too, which were GREAT… cause I never do them. And they were horrifically hard… harder than probably any weight or stretch or crunch I’ve ever done.
I was SOAKED by the end of the workout tho — completely, utterly soaked. It was a good 50 minute session and I really got a lot out of it.
However, in a way I almost feel worse now that I’ve done it tho - because I can see how far a trainer could push me and how well I respond to it. And I really, really want to do it and sign up and commit myself… but it’s just way. too. much. money.
For me to train with a trainer twice a month (I’d LOVE once a week but that isn’t even close to being an option!) — and sign a 1-year contract (which would give me a discounted price) it would be $1,120. And I just don’t have that kind of cash to be throwing around… especially for twice a month? That’s crazy. And anything less than that (once a month) doesn’t feel worth it…
I really am struggling with it in my head… especially on mornings like today when I wake up and see numbers I’m less than thrilled with. It would be an investment, yes — on my health and pant-size. But that is a whole lot of money… a whole lot of money that could be put towards my debt and my savings for Arizona.
Let’s just hope that $2 I threw into the work pool for the lottery tonight turns into a few million, then this internal struggle will be EASILY decided!
I woke up this morning bracing myself for my weigh-in. My body felt RIDICULOUSLY sore from last night’s training session (more on that later) and I knew I had worked out hard the past few weeks and had done pretty good eating-wise (except for the burrito-madness and the piece of coworker’s birthday cake… Oops.) I felt my workouts should have made up for what I did in those cases?
Apparently not. Haha
GRANTED I didn’t gain. Or stay the same. I was down a half pound and I will take that over a gain any day of the week. I won’t lie & say I wasn’t disappointed but I hope I’ve learned my lesson and will see better results on April 1st.
I did — however — feel better after reading Ben and E's weighins and realizing that everyone has ups and downs and losing weight in hard and blah blah blah. Everything I already know.
But reading E’s blog — she’s right. You adjust. You change what you’re doing - take a good, hard look at your habits and change what you need to and move on. I’m feeling better - MUCH BETTER - than I did at other points in my life and I should celebrate that. I’m technically only 3.5 pounds away from my lowest weight ever in my adult life… and I just need to keep truckin’ - one pound (or half pound) at a time until I find myself where I want to be, physically.
And hey - my favorite work pants feel super duper loose. So thats a (good) plus, right?
Tonight, even tho I will be sleeping on a sofa bed that will surely break my back by morning - I’m soaking in the moment that is happening right now.
We’ve just celebrated Gage’s 6th birthday party today. I’ve spent my whole Saturday wrapped up in the awesomeness of this boy and West Virginia and how beautiful the day was… sunshine and blue skies everywhere. It is as if I dusted off the snow from my car this morning and said goodbye to winter. Spring is now here, in West Virginia.
Although I’d never choose to live in West Virginia (it’s just not for me) there is something so insanely wonderful and comforting that I find each time I come down here. My whole drive down - I couldn’t wait to get here. To just be here. With him, with my family — removed from the hassle of day to day life. To stop and take a moment to just enjoy the family connection I am so thankful to have.
Gage is currently snuggled up right next to me, sound asleep — his head placed on his Thomas the Tank Engine pillow and his hand on my arm. He told me he’s waited all week for our slumber party…and now that he’s finally asleep, I’m almost sad that I have to sleep soon too. Moments like this should last forever — where he will always be little, I will always be his favorite Cousin K and I will always be able to slip down here for a night or two with him.
Someday I won’t be so close. Someday I will be far away again… and I’m sure it will hit me like a ton of bricks and break my heart. When he turns 8, I won’t be able to be at his party… and I’ve been to every party he’s had since he turned 3. I’ve been able to be there for the birthday parties, the Halloween trick or treating, the first t-ball practices.
I’ve been able to be there the night he was born & rushed to Children’s hospital because of his leg deformity. I’ve been there for the prosthetic leg fittings… the challenges he’s faced each time he’s gotten a new type of leg and had to learn how to walk with it again. I was able to be here often when he was in the PICU for 46 days two years ago…. the nights he was so bad, we didn’t think he’d make it.
I slept over in his hospital room the night before his 4th birthday & I was there when he came out of brain surgery ON his 4th birthday. I saw his head wrapped up… his head shaved.
This boy. He is my love. My heart. I look at him — and can’t imagine how I will ever have a child in my life I love as much as I love him. As much as I don’t understand why I ever left Arizona and came back to Pittsburgh… I understand that at the end of the day - it was probably so I would be allowed the time to develop this relationship I have with him. A relationship that is so insanely special… that I will treasure it the rest of my life.
It is only on nights like tonight when I truly question my decision to move away again. I will wake up in the morning, I will go for a run down the old country road in front of my cousins’ house. I will take in the morning. I will come back to shower and head to church with them.
I will enjoy this time. These moments. Because they won’t be here much longer. I dread the day he realizes/understands what my moving away means… and I dread the moment when I see pictures on facebook of a birthday party I wasn’t a part of…
His 6th birthday was so much better than his 4th was… so I will set the computer aside, I will curl up next to him and we will sleep. And be thankful.
And hope that whatever happens these next couple years, he will never - not even for one second - doubt the love I have for him.
You can definitely tell that I am starting to get nervous about weighing in on Tuesday.
ALL. DAY. LONG. I have been prepping my coworkers to go over to Starbucks during their happy hour special today from 2-5 so we could each get a free Starbucks Petite with our drink of choice. ALL. DAY. LONG. I have nagged them endlessly about going.
But right before we headed over, I decided to check the nutritional info just to give myself an idea of how many points they would be each… and was SHOCKED they were each 5! 5 POINTS. EACH. As in… for a bite. Sure I expected it to be 3 — maaaybe even 4. But 5? Wow.
My coworker and I made our way over anyway…. and once we got there they had everything in stock. And they all looked so pretty. And cute. And delicious. We oogled the display for a minute or two, trying to decide. And I realized… one of those little gems, plus the latte I had to buy in order to qualify for one of the freebies… would mean 7 points. Wasted. Basically wasted.
Also, its not like I didn’t have a (small) piece of cake yesterday for my coworkers birthday. I did. And it was DELICIOUS because it was from this awesome bakery downtown. But I had allotted the points for it because I knew I really wanted it.
This little petite? I really didn’t want. Not like I had wanted that piece of cake yesterday.
So instead - I just got my tall, skinny hazelnut latte (looove! — and only 2 points!) and gave my free item to my coworker to take home to her son.
And even tho my legs are sooo sore from the past two nights of working out (omgIamSOinlovewithHipHopclass!), I’m heading there again tonight. Thank goodness tomorrow is an off day tho. Not only do I not have time to workout - doublejobdayyay! - my body NEEDS it. :)
me: YOU CANT HANDLE THE HIPHOP! Anastasia: lol next wed! me: Uh huh. Anastasia: no for real. monday starts the clense. my own personal intervention. me: hahaha okay :) Anastasia: we should do some outside running together coming up! me: OMGYES - Bc I havent been - at alllll lately and I NEED TO asap. Im SO bad tho so u have to be patient with me Anastasia: oh i’m bad too, don’t worry. running is not my fave me: We should make a playdate to go soon. Anastasia: ok maybe next weekend? too bad it’s dark by the time we’re done with work me: I know. Not sure what my schedule is for next wk but maybe if I have a weekday off I can meet u at ur apt for a lunch break and we can go for a run? Anastasia: cool just let me know. i’ll be here :) me: :) YAY Anastasia: are you trying to lose weight right now? we could have our own little competition/motivation! loser buys the other dinner at the end of it? me: HAHA dont u feel like dinner shouldnt be encouraged in a weightloss competition? ;) Anastasia: well you need to splurge once in a while. and it would be something we’d look foward to. me: I weigh in the 1st & 15th of every month now, so if u hold off and start the cleanse on…. Tues, that will give u the same starting time as me and we can go from my weight loss there Anastasia: ok that works. should we try to go til we reach our goal weight? or set a time pd? or do a %? me: Well MY weight loss goal is 150 and when I weighed in last time I was 197. So I dont know. My goal weight is pretty far away. haha Idk. What do you want to do? Anastasia: well… i wanted to go really hard til i left for london. So june 1st? But I’ll have to weigh in morning of 31st before i leave. And we can do %? That’s prob fairest way right? me: Yeah that sounds good! Anastasia: that’s 11 weeks
I had the best time tonight with My Original Gym Buddy at the gym. We did roughly an hour & 45 minutes of weight machines and lunges and squats and everything else that could make us into GINORMOUSLY BUFF WOAH-MANS!
My body is already incredibly sore.
Should be fun trying to wake up tomorrow, that’s for sure.
In other random news, I have less than a week now til I weigh in again. I’ve been feeling good about my eating (97% of the time) and getting in my workouts like I should be. I hope the scale reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. Because except for the Burrito Disaster Night, I’ve felt really good lately.
I was examining different parts of my body as I was working out tonight and its nice to feel some areas are getting smaller (or at least, there seems to be a little bit of a difference.) I just wish I could shrink faster.
Just because it’s the end of a work day on a BEAUTIFUL (yet cold) Monday… and you’re almost to your car & have that “la-de-da!” skip in your step and are taking in how pretty the river looks and the bridges and everything else you can see from the top floor of the parking garage you scored a spot at, which happens to be RIGHT around the corner from where you work… Just because all of these good things have come together in one magnificent moment….
….Does NOT mean bursting into song is the best idea in the world.
Especially when that song is “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”
EXTRA-EXTRA-SUPER-ESPECIALLY when it’s March.
And extra-super-specially times 1,000 when you didn’t look around and realize that there was a guy standing there smokin’ a cig and staring at you like some freak form of nature the whole. friggin. time.
I actually think it classifies as an addiction. I just don’t know how to say no. I need it all the time and pretty much never stop craving it. If I had to pick a FAVORITE food… it would most likely be Mexican. (With a tie or very-close-second to sushi!)
After my most recent visit to Arizona (See: 6.5 pound gain due to CONSTANT overeating and a ridiculous amount of Mexican food consumption…okay, and maybe booze) — I was pretty over Mexican for awhile. I had my fill, had the best and the craving was satisfied.
Fast forward to last night. And Mexi-Casa — a (new to me) Mexican place I had never been to before. I went in with the best of intentions but the minute the waitress/bartender mentioned “Chips and Queso” — all good intentions were forgotten.
So Chips & Queso I did. And Wanna Iguana Burrito (spicy chicken, queso, hot sauce, rice and black beans) I did.
It wasn’t that bad… I could have saved it. I could have stopped at half of the burrito because I was FULL. But I kept eating. It was so delicious…so insanely hot and good and yummy and OMGDIDIMENTIONILOVEMEXICANFOOD?
I could have stopped at any moment buuuuut I didn’t.
I ate the whole damn thing. And the minute I did?
I felt the worst food pain OF MY LIFE. My stomach was HURTING… And I mean extremely-extremely-oh-my-god-I-cant-think-of-anything-else HURTING. And I paid for that the rest of the night and looooong into today. It was definitely a reminder of why I DON’T need that “stuffed and comforted” feeling because there is a fine line between that and MISERABLE.
I pretty much paid the consequences all day for that burrito and my workout today was BRUTAL. But it happened and I’ve learned and I’ve moved on. I’m staying below my Points range for today (even tho WW says thats a no-no) and trying to make up for all the damage that was done last night.
Whats amazing is — the whole time my head was saying “No! No! No!” but I did it anyway. I did what I have always done… and the guilt that followed is still lingering. But I went to the grocery store after my gym visit and re-stocked up on fruits, veggies, Morning Star products (my newest love!) and other things that would help keep me on track this week.
My weight. Out there. In the world. For everyone to see. (That is, everyone in the world to see if you’re viewing my ACTUAL tumblr page and not just viewing the feed. And by “everyone in the world” I mean – “people who don’t really know me and could care less anyway” …..or “my most trusted circle of friends who also happen to know this blog even exsists.” Them too.)
But the point is… it’s my weight history - the whole sha-bang. The highest I’ve ever been (GAAAAAAH) to the lowest I’ve ever been (which, let’s be honest - isn’t even close to be associated with the word low….) to the current weight to the goal weight.
Truthfully, I have no idea what my weight was prior to 2006…. except it was high.
I do remember going to the doctor one time — in college I believe? Maybe late high school — and stepping on the scale.
“Well that’s a fun number,” the nurse said awkwardly… with a little bit of laughter in her voice.
I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel better – or if she didn’t realize that any kind of commentary – especially that kind – was unnecessary.
Mortified doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt in that moment.
So maybe I should be embarrassed now. Or maybe I should just feel like I’m finally being held accountable. It was a rough decision. A really, really hard one, believe you me.
But I read all these weight-loss and healthy eating and workout blogs…. and the (internet) bloggers I admire most put their weight out there. They tell when they are bad and when they are good and what seems to be working for them and what doesn’t.
Overall? It seems to be working for them. So why not let it work for me?
I’ve decided to weigh myself twice a month. On the 1st and 15th of each month. That way I don’t have to have some weekly battle with my body and get easily discouraged… that way I can focus on the good decisions I’m making and not become obsessed with a number on a scale. (Although… I guess me posting my weight on the Internets is borderline obsession.)
It’s about being honest with you – whether you know me or not – but more importantly, it’s about being honest with myself. Finally fessing up to where I’ve been and where I am and where I need to be.
So here I am.
Alllllllllllll 197 pounds of me. 47 pounds down. 47 pounds to go.
My body was still sore from the 5 days in a row… So I skipped. But have no fear. I’ve just swamped Monday’s planned workout with Saturday night’s planned off night. It will be rushed & it will be annoying to fit in, but I really needed last night to just be home and enjoy the quiet. I even napped. AND went to bed early. It was lovely really.
So why I’m still tired today is a mystery to me.
Now I have to face… Tuesday. Wednesday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday.
Which balances out my week workout-wise a little more. Tonight I plan on focusing on cardio - running, specifically. Maybe a little trifecta time - treadmill, elliptical, stepper. Wedneday will be HipHop, because I have such a love/hate relationship with it. Friday running and weight training. Saturday cardio. Sunday running/weights. At least I think. My mood tends to decide my workouts…which is probably where I am the most vulnerable. I need to be more of a planner. I need to try really hard to get some outdoor running this week. You know why?
CAUSE IT’S MARCH, BITCHES!
I know that March is still technically winter…and we could be hit with snow at any minute. But in my head - March means sunshine and happiness and a BEAUTIFUL summer quickly on its way.
Which also means lots of changes are on their way faster than I can believe. I keep looking at how much I have going on the last weekend in May (Memorial Day Weekend) — my mom’s retirement dinner, moving out of the apartment and back to my parents, a wedding, the opening of our last show for the season. It’s going to be SO BUSY. That’s why I really need to lay the groundwork now for the 5K in June, in case I miss a week or so while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off.
In other news, my face looked thinner today as I was looking in the mirror & trying to use makeup to mask the awful breakout occurring. So there’s that.