Not the recipe I would choose to e-mail as a ”Recipe of the Day” for a Monday (who doesn’t know how to make mac & cheese that easily?) BUT after my internal obsession with the thought of macaroni & cheese yesterday, was it REALLY necessary to rub it in my face this morning?
Weighing myself after my workout because ONL weighed herself today and even tho I have been feeling down on myself and had a really, really bad weekend — I needed to “wipe the slate clean” and see where I’m starting from. Especially now that I’m determined to only weigh myself on the 1st and 15th of every month** so I will be less stressed and stop freaking the heck out every time I have to wake up on Fridays and weigh myself…. Check.
Finding out that I’ve lost 4.5 pounds since my last weigh-in (Feb 11th) DESPITE the bad weekend…. CHECK!!!! :):):)
I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how SHOCKED I was that I had lost that weight. Even having had breakfast today. EVEN with the amount of water I inhaled before, during & after the workout this morning. I am so, so, so happy that finally that number is going down. I have not only officially lost ALL the Arizona/Holiday weight I gained, but I’m down an additional pound.
I’m back on track for getting back on track.
*I like to judge the level of difficulty of a workout class by how many other chubby girls are in attendence. The more chubby girls, the less straining the workout will be. The more awesomely-in-shape-buff-and-tough-girls? The bigger the bitch. So me being the only chubby girl there? Totally. Difficult. And. Hardcore.
**I realize it is not the first. But I figured I should know what I really weigh now & stop putting it off. My next weigh-in won’t be til March 15th tho.
This doesn’t have to do with weightloss or healthy eating or saving money or moving to Arizona or not swearing. But it has everything to do with my everyday life. And the people I have to deal with on a daily basis working in the theater world.
I’ve been busy doing EVERYTHING wrong. Lets list the faults, shall we?
We already know about the birthday cake. God. The birthday cake. Was so freaking good, I don’t even feel bad about it. At all. Not even a bit. Because its not every day one of us has a best friend who makes a delicious cake (with chocolate! and peanut butter! in a cake!) and offers you a bite. Or a piece.
The only thing that sucks is… I can’t just enjoy that ONE piece of cake. It begins a downward spiral of bad decision-making. Why not ONE more piece of bread? Why not ONE more day without the gym? Why not ONE day of not keeping track of what I’m eating? Lots of little mistakes that make a big bad train of mistakes.
I’ve also lost my lunch satchel thing, which I usually keep my food journal in. And so I haven’t been writing things down… which leads to me eating more then I should.
"Why don’t you just write it down in something else," you ask? Well I try. I grab a piece of paper & start off my day. Write down my breakfast. Maybe my lunch. But that paper is good & lost by dinner as is my ambition for a better me.
I haven’t been to the gym since Thursday. Friday I had a good reason - it was my off day. I worked both jobs. Saturday - my only excuse was I was too busy being social. Taking Anastasia to the airport, playing w my baby cousins, celebrating my decade-long-anniversary-of-friendship…. Sunday I worked both jobs. Monday the roads were SO AWFUL I barely made it home, let alone to the gym & back. And yesterday we had a friend over to make sushi for us. In our home. Which was awesome. Then I had to work online.
So you know - I had excuses. Lots of excuses. I’m really good at them.
But I need to stop with the excuses. My doctor even said so… and he told me to shoot for gyming at least five days a week.
FIVE DAYS. A week. I can do this. Starting tonight.
And since I missed the gym Monday & Tuesday (I do my weeks by Monday-Sunday) that means I have to get there every day this week, which is doable. Unless we’re hit with a massive snowstorm. So cross your fingers. Tonight is Hip Hop dance class, hopefully followed by some weights to finish off the night. Then Thursday night we’re back to running/cardio-ing.
I also NEED TO FIND MY FOOD JOURNAL. Like stat.
So far, today has been good…. 3 egg whites w a little goat cheese for breakfast & a piece of multi-grain toast with apple butter. And my coworker has a grapefruit with my name allllllllllll over it.
1) Breaking my phone at the gym. So I am now phoneless for at LEAST 15-20 hours. Thats like… a lifetime.
2) Not running tonight. Or doing cardio. At all.
1) Doing an hour of weight lifting/lunges/other hard things. Its been awhile since I’ve used weights (not since I was in Findlay a week & a half ago?) so I was due.*
2) BUYING BRUSSEL SPROUTS. My quest to mix in new kinds of veggies into my diet is going well… might as well keep going!
*We were planning on doing cardio after the weights, but my phone broke. So I had to run next door to deal with Verizon before they closed (this all happened at like…8:45 p.m. eeek!) And I lost all motivation by that point.
One of my current goals is to shake up my exercise schedule. I need to keep changing it up, because apparently my body is fighting the change I want to make. So tonight… I returned to the Hip Hop class at the gym. By myself. As in…with no friends. Or rhythm. But then again, I’ve never brought rhythm to the class, so that’s nothing new.
There used to be an awesome instructor for the class, but I haven’t seen her in a long, long time. Apparently she ruptured a disc in her back & had to have surgery on it — followed by 12 weeks of recovery. Tonight was actually (randomally!) her first night back teaching and the class was AWESOME. I’m so glad I went!
It felt good to do something completely different tonight. AND to make the whole situation better - I made a friend. Her name is Gina. Which I had to ask her twice, because the first time she told me I got all “dontforgetthisgirlsname, dontforgetthisgirlsname, dontforgetthisgirlsname…. ahhhhhcrapididntevenhearwhatshesaid!” But she laughed when I told her I had forgotten already two minutes after she told me. And then she said my name, to prove she was cooler & smarter & a better remember-er than me. It was her first time in the class too & she was awkward at it as well, but we had a good time & are going to try to meet next week for the class!
Hopefully she doesn’t stand me up. But I felt it might be a little soon to ask if I can be her friend on facebook… that’s totally on the agenda for next Wedneday tho. If she shows.
After my first, real, outdoor run this afternoon, I came home. Then I found time to feel really stupid when I called Comcast & realized the reason my bedroom tv hasn’t had any sound for 2+ weeks (which means I’ve had NO Meredith Viera in the morning. Tragic!) because I bumped a button on my remote.* And then I picked up my shamed head and headed to the gym. To meet a friend. Who would cancel riiiiight around the time I got there. But I digress.
So I tried to focus on cardio. I know I need to keep up weights & tone, but those are more fun with friends. Or a friend. And since I was missing one today (I’m going to act all angry and bitter - but I totally understand/was not angry! Just disappointed.) I figured I needed to focus. Keep the blood pumping. Cardio, cardio, cardio. Focus, focus, focus.
But the gym was ohsofreakingpacked.
I decided to do 12-15 minutes of four different cardio machines. Treadmill run, bike pedaling, elliptical gallop & stair machine from hell-ing. A total of 52 minutes, and 455 calories burned. Maybe nothing amazing… and definitely not my best calorie burn (on the elliptical I like, in an hour I can usually burn 700 calories easily.) But trying to do different things and change up my workout is something that needs to be a goal.
I also need to force myself back into workout classes again. At least once a week, just to change it up. Ugh.
With this said, I’m going to lay down & enjoy my dinner & a little Glee. Portobello mushroom w turkey bacon & (alittletinybitof) goat cheese & tomato and lettuce on a Fold-Out Artistan Bun. And my side of cauliflower.
Yes. Totally Glee-ful evening indeed.
*Please note: The button I bumped? Was not “mute” thankyouverymuch. It was “lang” - whatever the heck thats all about.
After brunch this morning with a friend and her husband who are about to embark on a crazy exciting time in their life (a mission trip to Equador) I headed to the doctor for a regularly scheduled checkup.
While there I decided to ask my doctor about the difficulty I’ve had with my weight loss, lately — hoping she’d give me some secret tip or some encouraging words to help me along my journey. Maybe even check my thyroid (ya-never-really-know, ya know?)
Instead? She pretty much told me that I shouldn’t be weighing (no pun intended) my success by a number on a scale. Fair enough. BUT… then she said… that maybe my body is just ‘meant to be this weight’ but as long as cardiovascularly, I’m healthy… I shouldn’t worry. And to keep doing what I’m doing.
Um. I’m sorry. But this isn’t like I’m 140 pounds and I’m just DYING to get to 120.
This is me being a good 50 pounds from my still-higher-end-of-my-BMI range goal weight. This is me being a number thats still halfway-to-success-on-the-Biggest-Loser weight. Its a good weight, a weight that - she did point out - hasn’t skyrocketed on her chart since 2009. I’ve lost and pretty much kept most of it off since then.
And it was disappointing to hear that. I know I wasn’t going in there looking for a pill to make this all better, but I didn’t want her to say… be happy with where you are now. Because I’m not.
So I left the doctors office, looked at the blue sky - and realized I was a few miles away from the park my parents used to walk me around when I was younger. A park that’s known for its long stretches of pathway, where runners and walkers and dogs always go to stretch their legs. It was cold out, but perhaps the most beautiful day we’ve seen in months. I was already in my gym clothes and before I knew it, I was at the park, with my car parked, ready to try it.
RUNNNG OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Just me, my iPod and the pavement.
Lets run over a few things, shall we?
It started out well. REALLY well. I started running and inside, I started thinking, “YEAH! Thats right! Look at me! I’m running! I’m buzzing past all you slow pokes! Woohoo! Yeah. Thats right. I’m badass. Its just me and the pavement and my thoughts. Look at us go. Damn, I love P!nk! She’s so motivating to run to. Oh hey! Look at that cute boy up ahead! I’ll keep pace with him. Wow. We’re basically running together — except I’m a few paces behind him, so we’re not really running together - but this is good practice for the day when I do have a running partner! Wow. I’m so awesome. This day? Is so awesome. Yeah! Look at me! A runner! Damn!”
Then… a little further down the road.
"Man. My lungs hurt a bit. The air is pretty cold. I mean, I’m sweating, but this cold air — wow. Its hitting my lungs. Hard. I’m kind of having a hard time breathing. Wooo. Runner. Yeah. I can do this… man I wish breathing didn’t hurt so bad."
"Okay, cute boy stopped. I can walk it off for a bit too. Plus, I need to not push it. I’ll walk a few, then start running more."
"Oh! Cute guy! He’s sprinting! Yeah! Look at me! Sprinting behind him! Woo! Just me and him… two runners on our day off! Yeah. I need to start running every day. This is so freeing!"
Cute guy runs right to a van, where he meets up with his (I’m assuming) hot girlfriend. Cause its definitely not his mother. Or his sister. Because they just kissed. On the mouth. Yeah. I’m going to go with girlfriend.
Okay. Anyway. I’m at the halfway point now. Going to turn around and run the way back. Yeah! Here we go! Runner me!
"Oh geez. My stomach hurts. Like…. hurts. Its almost like I want to puke. Yeah. I want to puke. I don’t know… maybe I shouldn’t have eatten that brunch this morning. Or had that coffee. Or taken those caffiene pills L’s husband J gave me for the first time right before this run. Or…. tried running for the first time literally half an hour after my (surprise) tetanus shot. Gosh I wish I wasn’t fat. This is all my parents’ fault. And my friends’ fault. And coworkers’ fault. And my ex-boyfriend’s fault. They all should have had an intervention and kept me away from food. Okay, now I just sound crazy. This is my fault. Wow. I feel so out of shape. Its like I’ve never REALLY worked out before. What goods a gym if it can’t prepare you for the real world? Okay. Gonna puke. Really, really, really gonna puke. Badly. Where could I puke? I’m in a public park. There are people everywhere. I mean, I know people throw up on the Biggest Loser all the time, but this isn’t like Jillian-Michaels-Badass-Workout-Ness. This is just me. And the pavement. And my iPod. Trying to put distance between where I was and where I am.”
"Oh god. There’s my car. Finally. In the distance. Here I come. My car. Has bottle of water. Inside. Must have some. Maybe drinking will make me feel better. Maybe it will make me puke. But must have it. Cold, cold water. Must. Have. Need… That. Yeah."
Get to car. Unlock. Sit down. Think about puking. Drink water. Think there. Text friend - tell her my recent discovery of running and how HARD it is. Still want to throw up.
Look at clock. I’ve been gone 27 minutes.
Take deep breaths. Finally start driving. Track how far I ran/walked.
1.6 miles —- okay. It’s a start. A hard, painful start. But a start nonetheless.
And it was outside. And it was hard. And it hurt. And I wanted to puke. But I did it and that’s all that matters. And I’m still going to the gym to meet my friend in a few. So there’s that. Progress is being made — but I still have
so. freaking. far. to. go.
Before I can become awesome liketheseguys. And I have until June 21st (or 22nd?) to get there… because the Do Life 5K Dates are officially set! Woo!
You can let it eat you up a little bit inside. You can be jealous of all the mobile uploads on facebook of flowers delivered to work, all the statuses of dinners-made-just-for-me or romantic evenings planned down to the smallest detail. The snuggling, the mooshey-ness. The cards with the sweetest sayings, the endless I love yous. The endless amount of love that - for some reason - has found everyone else but you.
You can act like it doesn’t bother you at all - that its a ridiculous holiday that is only around so greeting card companies can make money. You can make sure everyone knows just how much you don’t care. You can write on your friend’s facebook that 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway - so just give it some time. (Tho props to my favorite Valentine for that reminder!) ;)
You can not care. It can be just another day.
Or you can just choose love.
Choose to love your life, your friends, your family, your job, your apartment.
Choose to love how ridiculously amazing your bed feels the night before a day off, when you know you don’t have to get up early for work in the morning.
You can choose to love having all of your laundry done. You can choose to love that (for once) your car’s dashboard isn’t lit up with a “Service Engine Soon” light or a a low coolant light. You can choose to love that for the first time in years - you have (at least) a 2 year plan for your life.
You can choose to love eggplant. I now LOVE eggplant!
You can love how warm it was this morning, on your way to work (even tho it became ridiculously cold by mid-afternoon.) You can love the pic message you received from a not-such-a-baby-anymore cousin, holding up a sign that says “Happy Valentines Day, Cousin” on it with a big smile on his face.
You can love The Kings Speech and Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush. And the roommate who went with you to see it tonight.
And maaaybe the roommate who also went with you to the seafood buffet. ((Oops.))
You can love your mistakes, because they make you human.
Because, you know, you can choose to love the not-so-okay things in life too. The bills you have to pay, because at least you have a job that is allowing you to pay them. You can choose to love the weight you have to lose - because its a challenge and maybe thats something you need in your life right now. You can choose to love the distance you will have to travel to finally find “home” — because that will show, someday, how far you have come.
“After all, you can’t truly be happy if you’ve never known pain. You can’t truly feel joy if you’ve never known heartbreak. You can’t really know what it’s like to be filled unless you’ve been empty. And here’s the other thing: Sometimes in life seasons don’t come in order; instead of fall, winter, spring, summer - we get three winters in a row. But that doesn’t mean spring won’t come eventually.”—Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You
1) I had a dinner made entirely of carbs (rigatoni, garlic bread.) And a little meat sauce. Oops. Yes, it was probably partly pity-food (after this ridiculously long/frustrating day) and part comfort food (see previous parentheses.) But tomorrow’s a new day. (And tonight is still the pity party. I also had a Skinny Cow Chocolate Truffle Bar.)
2) While watching Glee tonight (Gosh, I love DVR) - a scene with Mercedes, Kurt and Rachel all having a slumber party & hanging out, chatting on a bed, made me really - really - miss that age. But only for a minute. And really, I only missed sleepovers & being in choir.
3) I feel insanely lonely tonight. And “I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend”-y. Basically, I wanted to come home and have someone MAKE me my carb-overload dinner tonight. And watch Glee with me. And maybe kiss my forehead.
Even tho I did REALLY well this weekend, I’m nervous. What if I weigh in tomorrow and find out I’ve gained? What if I log in & see I’ve stayed the same? All that effort will have been…wasted. Or so it will feel like.
So I am debating. Do I weigh in tomorrow - and risk being really discouraged? So discouraged… I might feel like giving up? Or step up and face the music. Face my actions and body and see what worked and what didn’t. Maybe be surprised.
I asked two friends — two very good friends — what I should do.
My Cleveland bestie advised, “I’d say wait. You still did good over the weekend. You shouldn’t let an occaisional fun weekend get you down. If you know you’ll be really frustrated by it, wait until next week.”
My Washington, DC bestie asked, “Will you be just as disappointed if you only lose like one pound next week? Um, I think you can wait until next week if you promise not to be disappointed if you only lose one or two pounds.”
The thing is tho - both have a great possibility of disappointing me.
To lose weight To gain a healthy routine To lose the cellulite on my ass To gain confidence To lose the jiggle in my thighs To gain a new personal best To lose my ‘I am so lazy’ attitude To gain a guilt free day To lose stretch marks To gain arm definition To lose…
Reason #2121 Why I ADORE her and her blog. And why she’s so inspiring.
I’m currently being set up. As in… with a guy. For a date. Or something. Who knows.
But apparently its starting. I’ve hit that age of desperation where Ive begun to get set up by people I know and love. “Everyone loves you & everyone loves him so WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN?!?!” Or so I’m being told.
So this is what being in your LATE 20s feels like. Awesome.
So today I weighed myself this morning & saw I had lost 1.5 pounds.
The nutritionist I met a few months ago told me to lose weight in a slow, healthy way - that between 1 and 2 pounds is what I need to shoot for each week. So I get it. 1.5lbs is right in the middle of that goal. I should be happy. But I’m really not.
I only find it frustrating, because of how hard I worked. And because for the past two weeks, each week I had a half pound gain — so I really only lost an additional half pound from where I was three weeks ago.
To add insult to injury, I’m still trying to lose all my “Arizona-boozin&eatin-Christmas-Vacation” weight (6.5 gained then total over the month of December -UGH). I was hoping to crush the rest of that today with a 3 pound weight loss, but I guess not. I still have a pound and a half to go. But I’ll get there.
Even tho I had a fantastic gym experience this morning, after work I decided to head back to the gym — to get in a little more quality time with that treadmill. After another run/walk session (22 minutes of runtime/10 minutes of walk), I packed it up and headed home.
Where I am currently stuffing my face with fruits & veggies, in anticipation of tomorrow’s weigh in. And Jersey Shore. Dinner tonight includes a banana, some carrots & 2 tbl of hummus, a few slices of grilled eggplant and (will eventually include once it’s ready) a side of spaghetti squash. Trying to keep it light since tomorrow is Friday… but I have been DYING for that “comforted full” feeling all day.
I weigh in on Friday mornings, cause thats when Old Navy Lauren & her girlfriend Jen do it in Florida. They actually go to Weight Watcher meetings down there (and are doing FANTASTICALLY well!), but since I’m too poor I do it at home instead & tell Lauren about it, so I can still be held accountable.
The past two weeks have been rough. I’ve mostly tried to stay on top of my points, but I had a little cheat here…a little there. And those little cheats accounted for the half pound gain I had each week, for two weeks in a row. But I’m doing everything I can to make sure tomorrow is different — so we’ll see.
Today felt like an episode of the Biggest Loser though as a result- where I was “last chance workout-ing” all over the place. Between my morning & evening workouts, I sweated for an hour & a half and managed to burn 1,050 calories. Too bad that doesn’t happen every day!
So please — cross your fingers for me (or fist pump your support!) that my hard work has paid off. I can’t stand another gain this week.
At alllllllllll. I didn’t have to be at work til 1:30 but the bed was just so warm and I was so tired and lets just face it - I’m not good when it comes to dealing with cold. Even at 9:30 in the morning. Even tho I had a blissful 8 hours sleep.
But the guilt of going and the goal I’ve set ahead of me to run at (hopefully) the Baltimore Do Life 5 K in June/July (depending on the date!) got me out of bed.
I needed to keep up with this running thing.
I didn’t set my hopes very high. I was still a little sore and tired and really, who wants to run in the morning? Plus, the best I’ve ever done as far as “how-long-can-I-run-without-stopping-time” is 7 minutes and that was on a RIDICULOUSLY good day. And certainly not in the morning.
So I got on the treadmill, right next to the big window so I could switch between looking at the sky, watching Sex & the City on E! with closed captioning and blasting my iPod, walked my two minute warm up and started moving my butt at a steady 5.2 pace on the treadmill.
I hoped for making 4 minutes - because like I said, I was really tired. And sore. But I set my focus on the music pumping in my ear, the sunny day, and how much I still LOVE Carrie Bradshaw. I refused to look down to see the time, I just kept running.
Run, run, run. RUN. RUN. RUN.
Every time I was a little tired, I kept going. And suddenly, I realized I was EXTREMELY tired. SO I looked down to see how long I had lasted…
AND I MADE IT 15 MINUTES!
15 MINUTES OF RUNNING! As in — 15 minutes of time has passed between my starting to run and my needing to stop. That was more than DOUBLE my last best time. And this? My friends. WAS IN THE MORNING!
It was fantastic. I instantly wanted to tell everyone. Even the people on the treadmills next to me, who have probably been running for 3 hours and would scoff at my 15 minutes. But to me? 15 minutes was 3 hours. It was a personal best.
And it felt so. damn. good.
My total treadmill time went well. REALLY well. I had the 2 minute warmup, the 15 minute running stretch, the 2 minute break, the 5 minute running stretch, 3 minute walk, 3 minute run, 2 minute cooldown for a total of 32 minutes.
And 23 minutes of that time? Spent running. Me. Running.
I was so proud of myself - I hit the elliptical next — and rounded off my workout for a total of 65 minutes/700 calories burned. And the biggest surprise of all?
I think I’m going back to run some more after I get off work tonight. Because I feel…prouder than I have felt in a long, long time. And I want to hold on to that feeling.
…aka the kinds of people we have all dated. And thats okay.
The lines I found the most powerful/spoke to me the most. The lines that explain where I’ve been - at one point or another.
“You might be smarter than them, have more warmth, empathy and intuition, but somehow you’ll end up feeling like the inadequate one.” —B. That bastard jerk.
“After a few months, you’ll have completely lost yourself, making excuses for their awful behavior and telling your friends, “You just don’t know them like I do.” Even though you know it’s bullshit and hate yourself, those rare moments of tenderness will keep you involved and make it feel worth it.” —J. Which still hurts. Probably always will.
“You can date someone who loves you more than you love them. The inequity in love will be immediately apparent, but you’ll convince yourself that you’re just falling in love with them very, very slowly.” —G. For sure.
“They haven’t been ruined yet, haven’t discovered how cruel people can be and how much they can disappoint you.” —Me. Or at least - used to be me.